Basic Plot: Maria Rossi (Suzan Crowley)  killed three people during a exorcism being performed on her and is subsequently arrested and institutionalized. Years later, he daughter Isabella (Fernanda Adrade) decides to make a documentary on exorcisms and joins up with two rogue priests Ben (Simon Quarterman) and David (Evan Helmuth) to learn more about exorcisms and her mother's current condition.


Instead of reviewing this movie the normal way, I'm going to perform every thought that goes on in the average viewer's mind when watching this movie. Because horror movies are all about getting inside our heads, making us feel a very specific way. So let's see how The Devil Inside did.


And here we go.



"Ok, first person camera. Is this like Blair Witch? Whatever. So the cops are going inside this house. It's a crime scene. Oh....ohhh it's bloody. Really bloody. Triple homicide they say. Damn. Creepy.....


So now there's a news report talking about it. Maria Rossi is a mom. She was happy at first with her family, but slowly become deranged for unknown reasons. So there was an exorcism and she went psycho and killed the three people. All right, I'm game. Let's see what happens.


There's this chick. Isabella. The first person camera is still going. I guess it's going to be the whole movie? Oh, she's making a documentary. I get it. But why is the cameraman filiming her walking around aimlessly in Italy? She wants to learn about exorcisms, I get that, but I hope they have a good editor cause this documentary is going to be fourteen hours otherwise.


So she's attending this class full of young priests discussing exorcisms. Where is this class? How many credits is it? Fuck, I'll sign up. Listening to an exorcism would be the only thing that could wake my hungover ass up during class. Now they're at a bar. Can priests drink beer? They're discussing how they perform exorcisms without the church's permission. They treat it like a science. Hey, they have tools and gadgets and everything. That's kind of cool, I guess.


Ok seriously are they still talking? Come on let's go----oh here we go they're going to perform an exorcism. On a girl. And they want Isabella to watch. Wait, is this safe? Ok, this cellar where they're doing this is sketchy as shit. I guess they don't want anyone to hear. But come on, they could at least Swifter the fucking place. Looks like a torture chamber. Wait, how is this girl bending like---OH SHIT that is not healthy. And her vagina is bleeding? Why is her vagina bleeding? Gross. This is like Twister meets Human Centipede. Fuck she escaped and is crawling on the walls. Ah! She's attacking Isabella! Dropkick that bitch! Haven't these priests been doing this for a while? Why didn't they think to take a few extra precautions before bringing a vulnerable twenty-something girl into a cellar with a posessed girl? Of course the posessed one is going to break out of the restraints they always break out of the restraints. Don't they have weapons or anything? Jesus this is completely out of control. Oh, it's fine now, he read the right bible verse this time. Phew. 


They're talking again. About the mom. And tracking demons in the people's bodies. I think? More talking. Are they improvising? If so, they're kind of flat. Whatever, at least the documentary style is something different for an exorcism film. Not for a horror film in general though. 


More talking. So wait, they can just stride into an asylum in Venice to find the mom? I guess it's cool because it's the daughter. Wait, they're LEAVING HER ALONE WITH THE MOM? This can't be good. Give her a stun gun or something. God damnit Italy. 


Well, the mom hasn't really spoken yet. She's got cuts everywhere though. Meh, nothing's happening.


Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....




AGH!!! WHAT THE FUCK! Why is the mother screaming?? Jesus christ!! Get her out of there! Stupid idiot!


Ok, so they're going to perform an exorcism on the mom. Priests' got some pimp robes. Hmm...exorcism not going so well. Nope, definitely not. Ben is getting thrown against the wall. Heart rate is skyrocketing. And the mom is seducing the daughter? She's trying to get her closer to her. Wait, don't trust her! Don't get near her! Isabella you may actually have a disability. You're like a Bond girl, you just stand around and be pretty without any thought of self-preservation. 


Ahh....it's calm again. I have to say, the dialogue scenes are not suspenseful and a bit dull, but the exorcism bits get the blood pumping.


Hmm, something's wrong. Apparently there may be multiple demons in the mother. David doesn't look too good. Now we're at a baptism. David looks really shitty. Is he possessed? Now he's putting the baby in the water. Uh.....yep he's posessed. 


Back at the headquarters/flat. Ben is worried about David. Now David's upstairs, eyes rolled back, bloody, and has a gun somehow. Cops are somewhere. Shitshitshitshit BANG he killed himself. 


Jesus, now Isabella is freaking out. This movie is gaining some steam now. Emergency room. Ben is warning the doctors that she's dangerous. And he's right. Doctors being pummeled and thrown around. Isabella is on the floor doing some impromtu yoga. She's shrieking. Ben's trying to help her out but it may be beyond that. They're rushing to the car. Cameraman's in hot pursuit. He's going to perform an exorcism on her. This one seems like it's going to be epic. Not sure how, but the way Ben is yelling about it, it just seems like it's going to be different.


Cameraman is driving with the camera on the dash. Hope this documentary is worth the one extra line of your resume, bro. Shit! Isabella is attacking him. Ben's trying to keep her under control. They're flying down the road now. Isabella is going ballistic. Cameraman is turning sweaty and green. Uh oh. He's looking worse by the second. He jerks the wheel. Ben shouts. The car crashes. Then it stops. Now it's quiet. Camera is still on. Are they alive?


Black.



Wait....what? No no no no don't do this don't do this don't do this



THE ROSSI CASE WAS NEVER RESOLVED? WHAT THE HELL? You're giving me some text telling me this case was never resolved? You've got to be kidding me! This is fake! We know it's fake! No one actually thinks this happened! Stop trying to be Blair Witch and just give us a real ending you pretentious fuckheads!


Hold on.......something else is popping up. For more information about this exorcism go to this website......?




WHAT!?


WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK! 


That's your fucking ending? A fucking URL? You want me to finish my movie experience at your website so you can gain advertising traffic? Are you people serious?Jesus tits on a lesbian leper I cannot believe you're pulling this shit! Fuck this movie. I don't care if some scenes were cool or the style was innovative, this is bullshit! I'm positive there's some critic out there calling this ending "bold" but it's bold in the same way that throwing moldy banana peels into a washing machine is a bold way to make a god damn smoothie. The sudden shock ending was used in Cloverfield and Paranormal Activity and while those weren't gems either, they at least didn't tell us to go to a fucking website. No wonder they didn't screen this for critics! If you are such a chickenshit about your own movie that you don't want critics to catch it first then you obviously know the movie sucks. We need closure. Spell it out. C-L-O-S-U-R-E. It's really not that difficult.


AGHHHH I spent half an hour watching Coke ads and trailers for upcoming shitcoms, and then an hour and a half tease and just when the movie is getting really good you cut to black and tell me to go home and open a new tab in Internet Explorer? Did your budget run out? My god, ending a horror movie is the easiest fucking thing to do! Stop trying to be special! You suck at it! What a poop of a film. And I can't even get my money back because I sat through the whole damn thing. I'm going to the bar."



What Could Have Saved It: Give us a real ending


Rating: 3/10




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