Basic Plot: Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire)  is on top of the world. He's got Mary Jane (Kirsten Dunst) and is at the peak of his popularity as Spiderman. Yet once an alien symbiote takes over his costume, he finds himself not only more agile but also more aggressive. All the while he must deal with a vengeful Harry Osbourne (James Franco), Sandman (Thomas Haden Church), and a power hungry rival Eddie Brock (Topher Grace).

I could go on for ages about this movie but I won't. We've all seen the movie because the trailer was badass, but not all of us liked it. Some say it's deep and action packed, while others thought it tried to cram too much into one movie. And then there's my opinion. And there is a lot going on in this movie, it's Friday afternoon as I write this, so let's go with a simple PRO and CON list shall we?

For fun, read it outloud with someone else. Maybe with accents?

PRO: That trailer was one of the best ever made. 

CON: Uh huh, but Tron Legacy had an amazing trailer, as did the recent My Bloody Valentine. Remember how those turned out?

PRO: Ok, well you got Venom! Venom. The baddest villain in Spiderman history

CON: Really? I heard all you get is some black Gak that sticks to Peter Parker and changes his costume color. You don't truly see Venom until the end. Is that true?

PRO: about Sandman? He can turn into fucking sand! And he can become Godzilla sized. That has to count for something.

CON: How did he become that way?

PRO: Oh, he was running from the cops and fell into a sand pit where some scientists were doing an experiment and before he could get out he was genetically morphed with sand.

CON: .....Seriously? Didn't they think to put a lid over it or something? Even ball pits at Chuckie Cheese's have a goddamn net. 

PRO: Well, they didn't see him. But one noticed that the molecular structure of the pit had changed slightly.

CON: So did they go check it out?"

PRO:, they assumed it was a bird and started the experiment anyway. Cause you know, the bird would fly off once they began.

CON: ...........

PRO: Look, that's not important! He's Sandman! Who cares how he became Sandman? He's off to rob shit. For his daughter.

CON: His daughter?

PRO: Yeah, he needs money for custody or something. So he uses his new powers to get the money for her.

CON: Ugh, why can't he just be a bad guy? Why do we have to always sympathize with the villains?

PRO: Well, he's still bad. We find out that he's the one who killed Uncle Ben.

CON: What? I thought that douche with the blonde hair did it.

PRO: No it was Sandman.

CON: But know what, I don't care. Give me a villain who's an actual villain and not just a product of coincidences and shoe-horned plotlines. 

PRO: No prob, bro. How about Harry Osbourne? He's the new Green Goblin.

CON: Harry? How come?

PRO: Well, he suspects Spiderman of killing his dad. So...

CON: But why did he wait so long?

PRO: Well, he had that experiment that backfired and produced Dr. Ock. Plus, I mean, he had to learn how to fly that glider and everything. 

CON: Does he know Peter is Spiderman?

PRO: Yes

CON: So....what did he do? Aren't they friends? Did he send him a text like, hey dude did you kill my dad? I mean, he knows now his dad had all these weapons, so he should know some shit went down. What does Harry do?

PRO: He flies at Peter and tries to kill him.

CON: Really? Does Peter recognize him?

PRO: Well, yeah, he isn't wearing a mask.

CON: Why not??

PRO: He probably wanted Peter to know who was killing him, I guess.

CON: But if Peter gets away he can just call the cops! Why didn't he just wear the mask and kill Peter in his sleep? Just chuck a pumpkin bomb into his bedroom.

PRO: Do you remember the Green Goblin mask?

CON: Oh. Right. (Sigh) So how does the fight go?

PRO: Peter clothes-lines Harry with some webbing and Harry hits his head on a pipe.

CON: HA! Awesome. So Sandman is on the loose and Harry's in jail.

PRO: Harry's not in jail.

CON: Why not?

PRO: Well, if Peter took him to jail, he'd tell everyone his secret identity. 

CON: So? Who would believe him? If he's not in jail where is he?

PRO: Hospital

CON: How bad was he hurt?

PRO: Oh he's fine. He just has amnesia. 

CON: Amnesia? What the fuck? I thought we were done with using amnesia as a plot device since Overboard. How much does he remember?

PRO: Everything except that Peter is Spiderman and that he thought Peter killed his dad.

CON: Well isn't that convenient.

PRO: Mmmmm quite. So Peter gets infected with the symbiote.....

CON: The Gak? Does it look like Gak?

PRO: Yeah, kind of. Gak. Anyway, Peter's now all in black and strong and starts acting like a dick.

CON: Beating people up? 

PRO: Well he kicks the shit out of Sandman

CON: Sweet

PRO: He finds out his photographer rival Eddie Brock stole some pictures, and although Eddie begs him not to reveal the fraud, he does anyway and gets him fired.

CON: Baller

PRO: He also grows out his bangs and wears tight jeans

CON: Aweso---wait....wait wait what are you talking about?

PRO: He goes goth.

CON: That's not goth, thats emo. He doesn't do the thing where he jolts his head to the side to get the bangs out of his face, does he?

PRO: Well....

CON: ....does he?

PRO: Technically, yes.


PRO: Cause he's an asshole! He treats Mary Jane like shit and even slaps her at a jazz club!

CON: Whoa, really?

PRO: Yeah, he also gets a neighbor girl to feed him cookies and milk

CON: I'm going to go ahead and ignore that. Why does he slap Mary Jane?

PRO: Well, he lost his temper with some bouncers and slapped her out of frustration

CON: What was Peter doing at a jazz club? Not really his scene.


CON: Dancing?

PRO: Dancing.

CON: Why was he dancing? What kind of dancing? He wasn't popping n' locking was he?

PRO: No it was more....jazzy? I guess? He slid across the floor on a chair.

CON: What is this, Grease? At least he didn't do any pelvic thrusts.

PRO: ....................

CON: Right?

PRO: ........................


PRO: He did.

CON: We are talking about Spiderman 3, correct? This is a superhero movie. The third one, no less. This is how the saga ends? With Peter Parker showing off his dance moves? Since when was he a dancer?

PRO: He practiced in the street a bit.

CON: Montage?

PRO: Yep

CON. Motherfucker. So now what happens?

PRO: Sandman terrorizes the city. Peter finds out that the symbiote hates loud noises so he rips it off him by a church bell and it falls onto Eddie.

CON: What was Eddie doing there---you know what? Forget it. Just keep going

PRO: So Spiderman is normal now. Oh, and Harry's been hitting on Mary Jane cause Peter was being a dick and they almost kiss.

CON: Harry and Mary Jane almost kiss? Wow, how did that happen? Were they on a date or something?

PRO: No....they were dancing and making omlettes

CON: What is with the dancing in this fucking movie? Then what?

PRO: They looked like good omlettes though....

CON: Then what??

PRO: Oh, so Spidey is fighting Sandman and Eddie who is now all venomized. See, Sandman and Eddie team up.

CON: Really? How?

PRO: They meet in an alley and Eddie tells him he can help him with his little girl.

CON: How does he know about the girl?

PRO: So Sandman says sure and they start pummeling Spiderman in the middle of the city.

CON: Doesn't this city have cops? Why hasn't the army been deployed?

PRO: Meh

CON: What's Mary Jane doing?

PRO: Oh she's there. She's trapped.

CON: Of course. That was got to be the most useless chick in movie history

PRO: Well what's she supposed to do? Kick Eddie/Venom in the face?

CON: Yes. Percisely. Kick him in the face. So how does Spiderman win?

PRO: Harry comes back.

CON: Harry......comes back....?

PRO: He has a dream or hallucination or something about his dad and the amnesia goes away. So he forces Mary Jane to dump Peter.

CON: What a dick. Does she do it?

PRO: Uh huh, and Pete starts crying.

CON: What a bitch

PRO: Who? Mary Jane?

CON: Nope

PRO: Ah. So Harry is in his apartment. And his face is all messed up cause he took a pumpkin bomb to the face thanks to Peter earlier.

CON: Well this is a big development. Why didn't you mention it earlier?

PRO: wasn't a very good scene. I'll admit that. It's Tobey Maguire in skinny jeans tossing James Franco around his apartment. It's pretty awkward. Then a pumpkin bomb gets involved and Harry takes it in the face.

CON: Ouch

PRO: Yeah. So Harry's butler tells him that the dad, the original Green Goblin, died from his own wounds, and that it wasn't Spiderman at all.

CON: And he decides to tell him this NOW? Holy shit, talk about timing. So Harry saves the day?

PRO: Kind of. He dives in front of Spiderman and gets stabbed in the back by Eddie. Then Spiderman makes a bunch of noise with pipes and gets Venom off Eddie. Then we finally see the symbiote by itself. It's like ten feet tall and killer sweet.

CON: Cool! And.....?

PRO: Spiderman throws a pumpkin bomb at it, and Eddie dives at Venom at the last second and they both explode.

CON: Damn, you know who the real hero in this movie is? The fucking pumpkin bomb.

PRO: Yeah, it really did put in the hours.

CON: Wait, what about Sandman?

PRO: He says he's sorry and drifts off into the wind. Then there's a sunrise.

CON: ............................Jesus Christ. Is there anything good about this film? How's the action?

PRO: Pretty good. Could've used more of it.

CON: Is there any scene that's great? I mean, truly great?

PRO: Hmm, I'd say the best scene is where Sandman first becomes, you know, Sandman. It's all CGI but it looks fantastic. He tries to become solid so he can stand up but he keeps losing control and disappating into loose sand again. It's a very small, quiet moment of discovery.

CON: Dang, that sounds pretty interesting and subtle. Wish there could have been more of that. The rest of the movie just sounds like poop. I'm done with Spiderman, honestly. It's the 3rd movie, so we shouldn't see him for a decade or so, right?

PRO: Um....actually....

CON: Fuck

What Could Have Saved It: No Sandman. No Eddie. No amnesia. No dancing. Just...start over.

Rating: 3/10

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