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5 Popular Drugs (And Their Video Game Equivalents)

Posted by from1to10moviereviews on July 23, 2012 at 10:25 AM


 

It’s no mystery that drugs and video games seem to gel so nicely. The sentence “We got so ___________” (fill the blank with drunk, smashed, ripped, high, baked, torched, lit, spun, loaded, or Keith) oftentimes ends with something like “that we played Super Smash Bros. for six hours.” The vivid atmospheres and gameplay of video games take us away to new worlds and distract from the oftentimes lackluster daily routine. Drugs, well, seem to do the exact same thing, except you buy one from a shady, un-showered stranger with earlobe plugs and a crap beard, and the other from a drug dealer.

So it’s common for drugs and video games to feel almost interchangeable. And the most infamous drugs can each be perfectly defined by its video game counterpart. It’s a stretch, so maybe you should take a five minute break and then read below…

 

(Keep in mind that this list mostly concerns mainstream games, so games like Ikaruga or Katamari Darmacy do not make the list. Sorry.)

 

 


5. Alcohol

 

Main Effects: loss of balance, judgment, and coherence. Bar fights. Singing Karaoke.

 

Ah booze. A magic liquid that transforms the meek into the willing and vice versa. Fight with your girlfriend? Dull party? Fly in the house? There’s not much alcohol can’t seemingly solve. At least until you wake up the next morning. Whether it’s the stumbling, the slurring, or the godlike confidence, it’s no wonder that booze is and will always be the most celebrated and most catastrophic vice.

 


The Game: Halo

 

Most shooting games would be a good fit, but Halo beats the rest because all the players on screen are fucking obliterated. Seriously, watch your friends play. When a player dies, their body flops on the ground faster than a failed sobriety test. When they pilot ships, the damn thing weaves left to right uncontrollably. You can almost hear the character saying, “Ok….wait I got it…nonono wait wait now I got it---ah shit there I go. Where do I park WHERE DO I PARK?”

 

Honorable Mentions = James Bond Nightfire, CoD, Super Smash Bros, Counter Strike, Killzone

 

 


4. Weed

 

Main Effects: mix of giddiness and paranoia. Giggling, introspection, and cravings

 

It’s weed man. If you went through college without smoking it, you should actually be pretty proud of yourself, since I’m fairly sure the percentage is somewhere between 94 and 110 percent. Very little will make you laugh harder, get paranoid faster, and eat whatever was congealing in that tray at 7-11.

 


The Game: Portal

 

This one was tough to decide, but in the end this is a list not about what game you would play under the influence of such a drug, but it’s the game that embodies the drug itself. No game rollerblades the tightrope between whimsy and terror quite like Portal. The whole game follows the same rhythm as getting high. You start out a little confused, then you start to get used to the experience, then you’re giddy as hell as you navigate through the bright environments, and slowly the experience takes a turn to the dark side, and you find yourself struggling to stay alive against a mad supercomputer that lures you onward with the promise of…..wait for it….cake!

If that didn’t sound like a Thursday night in college, then, well, then you didn’t go to my school I guess.

 

Honorable Mentions: Half-Life 2, System Shock 2,

 

 


3. Cocaine

 

Main Effects: increased heart rate and adrenaline. Decrease of present currency.

 

Coke, snow, blow, the devil’s dandruff, whatever you want to call it, is an interesting drug because it takes all the lowbrow degradations that people would see in those who smoke pot or dress Goth, and applies it to the upper class. Take crack, multiple by five, and move it from an alley to a cruise liner or Connecticut and you got cocaine. And is it ironic that the main vice of rich white people turns them into Speedy Gonzalez?

 


The Game: Ratchet and Clank.

 

For this one you have to focus less on style, less on substance, and more on pure havoc. Ratchet and Clank, particularly Deadlocked, is like watching Banjo-Kazooie lose his fucking mind, blasting everyone and everything in sight with deliriously modified weapons to fight enough enemies to start whole nations. It’s when you fire giant grenades that squirt lava at the mechanical spider in the coliseum that you realize they should have just named it Ratchet and Crank and be done with it.

 

Honorable Mentions = Goldeneye: Rogue Agent, Need for Speed, Motorstorm

 

 


2. Acid

 

Main Effects: mild to heavy hallucinations and mood shifts. Understanding David Lynch films.

 

 

“I’m freaking out, man.” These four words could be attributed to other drugs, but nothing quite has the status of complete otherworldly displacement like LSD. The worst music can sound tolerable, and the best can give you orgasms. The most important things to you are not your possessions or even your friends, but it’s the status of your ever-shifting environment. And this same environment can turn on you. You may be thrown into beautiful gardens of the Garden of Eden and with one shift in mood or location you may be hugging the toilet of your ex-girlfriend’s bathroom. Kind of like going to Chipotle.

 

 


The Game: Super Mario Bros.

 

Like alcohol, many games were close, but Mario is all about the environment. And it’s so unabashedly absurd and colorful that it sweeps the rug from other, more serious and modern games. I mean, the turtles have wings for god sake.

 

Honorable Mentions: Bioshock, F.E.A.R, Silent Hill, Final Fantasy,

 

 

 


1. Heroin

 

Main Effects: sense of euphoria following by debilitating crash. Skinny arms.

 

Hate to leave on a depressing note, but you have to acknowledge the “less fun to talk about” drugs as well. Whether you snort, smoke, or shoot it, heroin will probably make you higher than you ever will, and then make you wish you were dead. There isn’t much about heroin that hasn’t already been said, so just go watch Requiem for a Dream again. Wait, you haven’t seen it? What the fu—

 


The Game: World of Warcraft

 

If there is one main attribute of heroin, it’s the willingness of its users to forgo their possessions, friends, life and livelihood just to get more of it. While there are perfectly normal WoW users, the game seems to encourage addiction. The only way to really have fun in the game is by putting in heavy amounts of time to get good at it. And like heroin, some users lose their interest in things like socializing (outside of their room), or showering. Also, each subsequent hit of heroin can feel less potent, kind of like how players wait longer and longer in the WoW graveyard. This is not to say your roommate needs an intervention, so please don’t invite all your friends to show up at your place give him one. You’ll probably all end up getting drunk and playing Halo anyway.

 

Honorable Mentions = Sims, Starcraft, Minecraft

 

 

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